


A Spark Gone Out

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Magnus Bane, Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Feels, Hurt No Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 06:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18330050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: When Alec hugged him comfortingly Magnus barely felt the touch that usually filled him with warmth and comfort. He stared ahead, towards where Lorenzo disappeared. The look in his eyes transformed from anguished and mourning to terrifyingly empty.The spark Alec spoke of earlier went out.MAGNUS’S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DURING 3x16             Magnus wakes up from a lovely dream to a nightmarish reality. When the magic that made him feel alive again for a moment is taken away it’s more than he can take.





	A Spark Gone Out

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo… I almost didn’t survive 3x16 without crying. (chuckles helplessly) Matt and especially Harry were at their personal best! DAMNED IT, Harry NAILS Magnus’s vulnerable side so well that it’ll kill me with the next few episodes…
> 
> This… is what I saw when looking at Magnus through the episodes. And it hurt. So… sorry, kind of not sorry…? (smirks sheepishly)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: YEEEEAH, right… Unfortunately, no. I own nothing. If I didn’t, I’d know what’ll happen in the next few episodes and I wouldn’t have to panic.
> 
> WARNINGS: VERY DARK THOUGTS some may find triggering – Magnus’s mind seems to be diving to some dark waters…
> 
> Awkay… Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

It was such a lovely dream.

He shared a delicious breakfast and a dance with Alec. And when Magnus swept the impromptu dancefloor clean magic came without causing the slightest bit of pain. Effortlessly and readily, like an old friend. Filling him with the kind of warmth he’d missed from the bottom of his heart that hadn’t really stopped aching since his trip to Edom. It was his own magic, not the pale imitation he bought at a price that stung more than he was willing to admit.

‘ _Magnus, stay with me._ ’

What was Alec saying? Of course he would stay. He wanted to stay in that perfect moment forever.

But like all dreams, even the loveliest ones, it had to end eventually.

It was almost funny, in its own morbid way, that Magnus woke up from such a wonderful dream to a nightmare. He came to with a crushing headache, his whole body incredibly stiff. To find out that something which was as vital to him as his breaths and heartbeats would likely kill him. Unless it was removed.

Magnus stared at his reflection on the window glass. He glared at the flat hair and makeup free face he barely recognized. He felt old and weary, achy. Stretched thin. He’d felt that way since Asmodeus took his powers. It got better for a moment after his deal with Lorenzo, before returning with vengeance when the other warlock’s magic refused to settle to his body. And now… Now…

He didn’t think he’d survive that loss twice.

“I know how important magic is to you.” Of course Alec couldn’t even begin to imagine, and Magnus didn’t fault him for that. His boyfriend wasn’t a warlock, and no amount of words could explain just what the Shadowhunter was begging him to give up on. “But is it really worth dying for?”

Magnus didn’t answer immediately. Because if he had, he would’ve screamed ‘Yes, because a life without it isn’t worth living!’. “Maybe”, he forced out quietly instead. All too aware of how much that single word would hurt Alec and hating himself for admitting half of the terrible truth.

Suddenly the weight of everything he’d lost crashed on his shoulders. He couldn’t stand looking at his reflection anymore. Couldn’t stand facing what he’d been reduced to. So he averted his gaze.

Wasn’t it just months ago he was the High Warlock? Someone powerful. Someone who could make a difference. Someone who mattered. Someone useful. Someone with a purpose. And wasn’t it just the day before he was able to save someone’s life?

What good would he be to anyone anymore if he’d become… nothing again? He didn’t even know who and what he was anymore. Definitely not someone or something he would’ve liked.

The magic in him now was poison to him, but it was also fool’s hope. It was like a match that was burning out too quickly he struck in pitch-black darkness. No matter how much holding it hurt, it was better than being left into the dark that’d consume him in whole.

The fear of that dark, the kind he’d faced before, led to an outburst even Magnus himself hadn’t seen coming. It was the most honest and open he’d been with his boyfriend since Edom. “Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?”

Alec did his best to give him a beacon of hope. To talk him into what would save his life and doom him simultaneously. Almost any other day the sweet words would’ve made his heart flutter. That day all he could hear was the cruel replacements his mind sneered. “.. wise …” (He was a fool who gave his home in exchange for something that was now destroying him.) “… generous …” (Yes, enough so to have lost everything. Excluding Alec, but with how things were spiraling towards worse and worse he supposed that loss was only a matter of time.) “… brave …” (He certainly didn’t feel brave. He felt empty.) “… incredible …” (Now that had to be a bad joke, when he was little more than a hollow shell of the man Alec fell in love with.) “… there’s this spark in you … that lights up everything and everyone around you …” (Then why did he feel like he was starting to drown into darkness?)

“Magnus, I won’t lose you, I can’t!”

Magnus looked into Alec’s eyes. Took in the love and despair. He knew both of those all too well after the number of lovers and loved ones he’d lost. And his whole being sagged when he realized that he couldn’t put the man he loved and who loved him through that. All fight left him while he submitted to a fate that was worse than death.

/

Alec was in love, for the first and only time in his life. Who could blame him for not wanting to see how much the man who was his world was suffering? Who could judge him for wanting to believe that Magnus would soon be as happy as the warlock made him? Who could fault him for feeling relieved beyond all belief when Magnus consented to Lorenzo’s help, after he came so very close to losing his beloved? After he fought desperately to bring Magnus’s heart back to life when it stopped?

When Magnus cried out while Lorenzo took away his magic Alec convinced himself that the pain was physical, not emotional, and only fleeting.

When Magnus told Lorenzo that he had everything he needed right there, Alec believed him because he wanted to, because it was exactly how he felt.

When he hugged Magnus and the man didn’t scream, cry or break down he imagined that everything would be okay, because he needed to.

Love may be selfish sometimes. And it’s often blind. After nearly losing his world all Alec wanted was as many years as he could possibly get with Magnus. While he dreamed of putting the Lightwood family ring on his boyfriend’s finger, he was blissfully unaware that Magnus wasn’t sure he could see a future for himself.

When Alec hugged him comfortingly Magnus barely felt the touch that usually filled him with warmth and comfort. He stared ahead, towards where Lorenzo disappeared. The look in his eyes transformed from anguished and mourning to terrifyingly empty.

The spark Alec spoke of earlier went out.

/

Later, after Alec headed to visit his mom, Magnus lay on his side in a by then familiar bed. (The same in which they made passionate love, and to which he received orange juice and flowers. Both lovely memories felt so long ago, now…) The Shadowhunter seemed to imagine that he’d fallen asleep, because he would’ve needed rest. But the older man’s eyes were open while he listened to the sounds of life outside the room.

Once again the world kept on going and he felt like he wasn’t a part of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry…! (winces) BUT. I have bad feeling that it’ll get a lot worse for Magnus before it gets better. Let’s hope that he manages to hang in there! AND, let’s hope that Alec’s proposal is the spark of joy he needs right now.
> 
> MY PERSONAL SONG DEDICATION TO MAGNUS AFTER 3x16: ‘Hang on a little longer’ from Unsecret feat Ruelle
> 
> Soooo… How did you like this angsty little tale? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Hearing from you ALWAYS brightens my days.
> 
> I MAY POST MORE ONESHOTS CONNECTED TO THIS ONE / CHAPTERS AFTER 3x17 AND 3x20.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Who knows. Maybe I’ll see you later?
> 
> Take care!


End file.
